Author Topic: Wingies Poems  (Read 1511 times)

Wingedsora

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Wingies Poems
« on: October 15, 2008, 08:41:38 PM »
Here are two poems I did.
I'm a newbie at this so any help will be
greatly appreciated. Really it will be.
These two poems are for a writing class I'm in.
So any feedback would be awesome cause I do want to get better.

Anyway they don't have a title yet.

Here is poem #1

A neon city bright at night
Is a play ground for is delight
With his can in hand he skates around
his imagination has no bounds

A spray here and spray there
Shows that he doesn't care
A wall now shows his mark
The people shout hateful remarks

The next building has a nice spot
He dashes forward with all his might
Skating threw a crowed
He jumps a rail and gains new height

With new found height he takes flight
Flipping and spinning in the air
The roof of a house is where he lands
Taking can out and onto his hand

He makes his mark yet again
Sirens now echo threw out the town
Seeing the blue men with canes
he jumps down.

And dashes threw the neon city.
The men  now close behind
Threw an alley he grinds
With darkness he eludes

The Blue men fell nothing but pity
For the skater is still loose in the city.


Poem #2

Calm as eyes can see
The sapphire blue lies all around
In the vastness he is free
With no clouds to be bound

High about is the yellow round
With wind at his back
He travels the sea.
A mast carries a flag of jet black

With compass as a guide
Not knowing where he's bound
His travels are world wide
With sun now in motion

It sinks into the ocean
with ocean on black
his course is set
into his cabin he goes

What morning brings
he does not know.


Shaina [シャイナ]

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Re: Wingies Poems
« Reply #1 on: October 16, 2008, 05:39:41 AM »
I have a little problem with the rhythm in poem 1. I will mark the stresses of the first stanza in bold:

A neon city bright at night
Is a play ground for his delight
With his can in hand he skates around
his imagination has no bounds

As you can see, the first line starts with an unstressed syllable, while the others start with a stressed syllable. That way you stumble when you try to read it aloud. The second line has additionally the problem that you don't keep the stressed-unstressed pattern, which causes another stumble.

You could try to fix that by simply switching the word order a little:

A play ground is for his delight

Now 1+2 fit together and 3+4 fit together, although I really would suggest you fix lines 3+4 that they don't start with a stressed syllable either.

Suddenly changing to a stanza with 3 feet sounds a bit  awkward, also the fact that the following stanzas seem to get more and more arrhythmical. One can break the rhythm if one weants to accentuate certain events (for the he jumps down one one might consider it, but in the line "Skating through a crowd" it doesn't really make sense to me, especially as in that stanza there you didn't look for fitting rhyme anymore and changed from aabb to a not really working cdcd.

I think you might want to go through the whole poem and first ponder on how you really want to construct it and not just throw together unfitting pieces that make it sound uneven. At the moment it looks as if you had the intention to write a rhythmic, rhyiming poem but abandoned the idea along the line.

The second poem gives the same impression. You start with abab, go to an abcb, then abac and the next is abcd, not to mention the total lack of any meter.

Shainas Harem: Camus, DeathMask, Manigoldo + Dégel. Adopted: Shaina, Alberich, Hyoga, Jabu, Yato + Cassios.